Last night
I came back home (home?) at 01:30 am after spending whole afternoon & evening on the
airport waiting for the wind to calm down so that the plane can finally take
off! I was already exhausted after a long, long working week, including working
Saturday (yesterday) as well. After all that working confusion, new faces, new things,
that lovely hotel room, my clothes and stuff in who knows which bag now and a
lot more I really was looking forward to that plane to take me away, finally...
I was supposed to be back home to myself about 9 pm latest, planned to catch up
with things still on hold and to have SOME REST at last!... But no!
Already in
that hotel room I was asking myself of what am I doing, really?!? What am I
doing!?!
I finally got it that my work has become my whole life now. OMG! How that happened!?! My work has taken over everything: I have no time for my friends (do I have any friend left any more, I really wonder?!?), no time for fun, no time for my parents... my bills are piling up as I have no time to pay them, my untidy clothes is piling up as I have no time to wash it, my furniture is full of dust as I have no time to wipe it off, etc, etc... And I’m underpaid, when I travel for work I have to pay lots of expenses on my own, like taking taxi last night from airport, for example! What else was I supposed to do in the middle of the night when we landed somewhat after 1am?
All that
and much more was already cooking in my head back in that hotel room, and I’ve
finally realised I have no life at all. It’s not that I’m missing something,
but this is just too much and not normal at all. (I-have-no-life.) My reality
overwhelmed me in such wave of depression I haven’t felt for ages.
Actually,
last night in that plane I was feeling so strange, all that doing of mine
seemed so silly to me, so silly indeed, it’s laughing stuff almost. It would be
if another stupid thought do not come to tell me I have to work and so many
questions pore in like a flood. There was again that moment when I asked myself
what am I doing, what is this desperate night flight to some so called home,
for some so called work, but then where is the home, where? Most of the time,
after travelling here and there all of my life, I felt as my home is everywhere.
Last night I felt as my home is nowhere, and I looked out that plane window out
there in the dark and it was all black there up in the sky and just one star was
shining bright and I taught I as well am star, we all are, but my light is not
shining bright, not any more... Oh, yes, I really wish if this plane falls down
now, here in this darkness, wouldn’t it be so nice, so lovely, so beautiful...
