Free your mind!

In the meantime it was all about work. Again. I finally came to the edge where enough is enough. Enough of greed, enough of mobbing, enough of unpaid long working hours, enough of unpaid long working weekends, enough of stress, enough of it all!... Will be there for another month. I’m so exhausted and have no time to plan. There is no plan B. But I am ready to step right into unknown! How exciting! I just know it’ll all be all right.

My Freaking Day

G!!!! What a life! I was at office at 07:50am already (we start at 08:00am). To our surprise we had some freaking TV crew entering the building straight after. No one told us it’ll be going on. So we were totally unprepared. That shows what team work (our bosses like to show off with!) we perform in there, Bloody Hell! They were following and bothering us till 18:00pm. By the way we should work till 16:00 pm, but it’s just a bloody lough on all of us, as it’s never 4pm, no matter what! Beside that I was so busy that I had no time to eat, no time for any break at all, and lived on two coffees all day long. Sometime in the middle of the day we were told we’ll have company reunion that should be short one and start at 15:30pm. Oh, yes! In our dreams, maybe. It started at 5pm instead and lasted till 8pm. Total freak show, brain washing, demonstration of power, infliction of Fear, and so on... I watched my smart and hard-working colleagues shrinking under all that dread and distress and the worst possible scenarios of not being considered good enough by supervisors and all that crap. Each and every one of them are doing their best, they work long hours, extended hours no one counts and do not give them any credit for, they are all overwhelmed by the work, they have no private life and are all underpaid. They live in fear and constant stress, just because their bosses are ego-driven people who like to show off, they have to have the newest BMW editions, they have to have a bigger boat, they have to travel the world the first class, stay in the 5 stars hotels, have the most expensive food and drinks, and clothes, and list just go on and on and on... So I watched all those already exhausted and fearful colleagues of mine taking it all in total luck of any self esteem... Here I am, I give my power over to you, I am your bloody slave... Oh, my God! What am I doing here?!? What this situation is telling me and about me? And how could I help this hypnotized people?

 

 

How could I help me? To get out of there.

It’s just not healthy to hang around in space filled with negativity and fear, it’s not healthy to work all day long with no break, no lunch nor snack, it’s not healthy to keep going on on coffee alone, one or two or many more it doesn’t matter than to try to calm down with some tranquilliser just because it’ll be another long long day and your whole system is disturbed by raging hormones and bloody PMS and you are about to explode but it’s not the smartest thing to do no matter what it isn’t healthy to get back home from work after 12-13 bloody non-stop intense working hours in such unhealthy environment and you are finally safe at home but not very much connected or completely disconnected and you starve for food, for comfort, for peace of mind you starve for change and you knock yourself out with some drink you are not supposed to have as alcohol is not your body strive for not even your mind but it’s not even food either ok it’s just another freaking day and freaking PMS and I can’t sleep and in a bit more than 4 hours I should be back in that office again facing another long long day... We have to survive September and all the events we organised and we face already. And, yes, “this two shall pass...” This two shall pass.

 

 

Last Week of My Stressful Holidays

My boss called me last evening at 20.00 pm. I found her missed call at 21.15 and called her back. Our conversation lasted for about one hour. They were off for a long business trip to Las Vegas this morning, so I couldn't call her again today to tell her some other important things that I forgot or did not wont to talk about last night. Our conversation was rather calm and I could not go into real problems and some situations that developed into real pain in the meantime. However, I could not fall asleep afterwards and I'm still very much upset about it all. I do admit that I indeed am part of the reason why all that shit happened as I just did not have any strenght left to answer some phone calls during last 2 weeks. I simply have been exhausted, on the edge and very crazy. I needed some peace and some rest. (Still I do.) I already did plenty of work during this summer break of mine, but it doesn't count as you have to do it all and more. Not just some.

OK, now better to put it straight and acknowledge it is as it is. We'll discuss about it on Tuesday, when they come back from LV. Day before on Monday I'm already back in office. I'll decide than what to tell them, but I'm pritty much sure I will tell them all about my mental exhaustion and lost ability of dealing with stress no more especially on holidays. If I wasn't that much stressed up and mentally exhausted situation would be way much better now. I think I'm done. Another Rat Race has worn me out.

 

I have to remember from now on not to beat myself up about it, keep positive attitude, let it go and breathe!

 

Still Hate My Holidays

Yes, still hate it and fear it just equally the same. It's Friday afternoon and I can slowly start to relax now knowing it's about weekend and noone should call me any more, at least regarding job, of course. At least not before next Monday. I did lots of work and lots of phone calls etc again today so now I can switch it off at least  for another two days.

Ever since last Monday morning, every single day of this week I've been constantly receiving calls from my collegues, our partners and so on... My reaction on Monday was right even thought provoked by stress. It's obvious I need some rest and that's why holidays are for. (But not mine!) However, wonting or not, I had to check that mobile every day. You can fight it as much as you wish but there's no way out, baby. Unless you wave goodbye for good. Which I consider of doing. I can not take it any more. And regarding that mobile phone on my so called holidays it's just like a ticking time bomb for me. Sooner or later I'll explode into pieces. I wish to know how to prevent that but there is no prevention only straight solution which is to quit.

Just remember about my last week before my so called holidays, especially that particular day I was feeling depressed, couldn't make it even to the hairdresser and so on... Now I understand it wasn't me being just depressed or lazy. It was me being completely exhausted and worn out, unabile to function at all. So, there's nothing about being lazy, but a lot about depression coused by stress and over work, and all sorts of things going on in line with all that. Somehow, you complitely lose yourself and let be carried by the neverending wild race, you forget your own self as you have no time left to remember any more. You are like a humster running in one place and you are just spinning around like crazy. And after years of running in that wishes circle you finally collaps and realise it was all nonsense. 

Why Do I Fear Holidays?

As I’ve already said I fear my holidays. It is a very, very stressful time for me. Instead switching off I have to plug in and pull it much harder than during my normal working days. When on holidays we should not be disturbed, of course, but we’ve been told we have to keep our work mobile phone on all the time “just in case”! Mine rings all the time! Today, Monday, was my first official day off. I’ve been feeling on the edge already for some time and asked everyone please not to call me while I’m off. But at about 11:00 am I checked my mobile (“just in case”) and (surprise, surprise!) found 2 missed calls. I snapped in one single instant! The stress level immediately overwhelmed my whole mind, body and spirit! I was lost in anger and frustration! Still could not believe it is really and actually happening the very first day of my long waited summer break. (By the way, I already sacrifice most of it by obeying internal rule to take time off when they tell me which could be August only or to be precise from the end of July to the 1st of September and it has to be 3 weeks in a row! This is the very last version when and how I would plan my holidays! But I've made the peace with it, after working there for 4 years. ("These two shall pass"...)) So, of course, to avoid further problems I called back my colleague at work. When she explained to me what it was all about more or less the way she sees it I immediately understood it was time to sit down, switch on internet, get pen and paper ready, load my mobile, call at least 10 people here and there and try to figure out what it was all about really then call the office back and explain them what to do. In my case it’s always step by step process. And concentrate. Get focused. Get absorbed and sucked in. Completely, definitely and absolutely. All that passed through my head while talking to her and there I was shouting (poor her!) to leave me alone, to tell everyone to leave me alone, as I have no intention to start working now for most of the day, I’m on my holiday, for God’s sake, I can’t take it any more and you know what try to sort it out yourself and if you can’t I don’t care and if my boss wants to sack me because of this he is just bloody welcome. Good Bye. And I switched that mobile off.

The rest of the day was already ruined. I'm still stressed and can't shake it off.

Music helps. (Thank you, Van!)